Faking it

We had a get together on Sunday with my ILs to celebrate my MIL's birthday.  On the Saturday, SIL and I were texting about what to get MIL as a gift, we often go in on things together.  Anyways, after we came up with that plan she texts me, "We know what we're having" (if you're a dedicated stalker, you may remember my SIL is currently pregnant with #2).  They're having another boy!  I congratulated her and texted many exclamation points, but the ache in my heart was so present.  I feel like shit for not being more fully excited.  I am excited, I really am - another nephew is awesome!  I just honestly don't feel as excited as I did with her first, and that makes me feel horrible.  I LOVE being an aunt, I am just having a hard time balancing that against my overwhelming desire and need to be a mom.  IF brain sucks.

Anyways, we had a nice time out for Chinese food dinner, as is tradition.  Then we went back to H's aunt's place for cake and presents.  I was having a pretty down weekend with my parents' stuff and waiting on this cycle to end, so I had to try really hard to pretend everything was fine.  The longer the visit, the harder it got.  I'm sitting there in a room with his whole family, everyone is happy and smiling and loving life.  And I can't stop thinking about my parents' separation.  I look at my ILs and so wish that was still my parents, happy and in love.  My FIL was planning all of these awesome birthday surprises for MIL.  It was just really hard.  Then there's my 3 year old nephew running around, my SIL pregnant with #2 and it's like, everywhere I look, I want what I can't have.  I want my parents to be together and happy.  I want to be pregnant (well actually I want my baby, 17 months later I didn't expect to still be wishing to see two pink lines).  I want to be at a point by Christmas that I could tell close family and friends about the most exciting news of my life (second only to marrying the love of my life).  I want my life to head down the path I always imagined it would.  I want to be happy, genuinely happy, not just happy for now but with a huge hole in my heart.

Thank you to those who have reached out to me and commented here, I so appreciate the kind words and support.  I still haven't told anyone IRL about all of this, I can't seem to find the right words yet.  But I'm thinking about it.  It has meant so much to me to not feel all alone, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.