Our One Year Anniversary

Since we ditched the birth control.  One year since I signed up for Fertility Friend.  One year of TTC and nothing to show for it except a crap load of pee sticks, empty bottles of Preseed, months of completed charts and a knot growing in the pit of my stomach that feels like this isn't going to happen for us, at least not the way I always imagined it would.

When we decided to pull the goalie, I remember thinking that the first month wouldn't be ideal since H had a big ski trip planned for March; wouldn't it be terrible if I were 9 months pregnant and he were leaving on a trip!   I remember being so hopeful; I was excited to wake up and temp every morning, I was excited to pee on sticks, I would wake up at 4:30am at 10DPO and try not to get up and pee so I could hold it and test with FMU when I got up.  Sigh, how my perspective has changed since then.  I do love charting, I love the knowledge I am able to gather from it, I have enjoyed learning about my cycle, but I'm feeling pretty well versed in TTC and would really like to move on to the next part, the being pregnant part, the being a mom part.

This has been a roller coaster ride, and a mindfluck for the most part.  I have learned to chalk up all 2WW "symptoms" to PMS, they don't mean shit unless you get that second line.  Last cycle, by the 2WW I was officially out of OPKs, HPTs and Preseed and I thought, "Wouldn't this be the perfect time to get a BFP?  No more TTC "tools" around, it would be perfect!"  Because I didn't have any HPTs in the house, I just waited for AF to show up, like always - and it did, but not until a day later than usual, just to screw with my head one more time.

Every holiday that arrives, every family dinner I'm at, I imagine what it would be like go to one of those with the exciting news that I'm pregnant.  Or at least I used to - I used to day dream about how I want to tell our family, how I want to tell H, how I think I would feel finally seeing a second line pop up.  But I'm slowly losing hope that we're going to be able to do this on our own, without some sort of intervention or assistance.   and that sucks.  Who knows, maybe we are just one of those couples that it takes a while for.  I have to tell myself this, I need to keep myself from assuming the worst because honestly, at this point, we just don't know yet, and I have a bad habit of assuming the worst.

I swear I'm not such a downer IRL, this blog is the one place I can put these negative feelings out there though, and I need to get them out so they don't eat me up.  I just never imagined a year ago that I would be writing this, I thought I'd have a baby by now, or at least on my way to having one.  One year, 365 days and I feel like I'm in the same place.  Except that my desire for our baby is relentless and at times, all consuming, and my heart is hurting.  I have never wanted something so bad and been so powerless to make that happen.  That is not a feeling I am ok with, so I have armed myself with all of the tools that are available to me so I can to take back as much of that control as possible, but unfortunately, this is out of my hands.