Grandparents

I do not have all that many awesome grandparents stories or memories, and that makes me sad.  My father lost his dad when he was 18, and my mom's mom passed when I was 6 weeks old.  I lost my Papa when I was 7, so I have some memories of him, but honestly, not all that many.  My Granny survived the longest, she passed when I was in 2nd year university, but we did not have a wonderful relationship - if I'm being honest, she scared me.  She was a lonely old woman who was never very warm and fuzzy, never baked us cookies or watched us after school.  My brother and I would give each other "the look" (Do we have to??) when our parents would tell us we were going for a visit.  While we didn't have a great relationship, I am eternally grateful to her - in the end, she helped fund my university education.  I will always be thankful for that, university was honestly 4 of the best years of my life - where I grew up, learned to think critically, made many lifelong friends, and met my husband.  So now, years later, I do look back fondly on her, but sad we never really had much of a relationship.

When I met H's family, I was amazed to meet his grandmother, Mia.  She was 76 and full of life and energy.  She was a riot!  I remember thinking, "this is what I've always wanted, this is what I missed out on".  She became another grandmother to me too, I just love this woman.  3 year ago, we almost lost her.  She could have been on an episode of House - the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her for quite some time, and during that time, she became incredibly ill, in the ICU and it did not look good.  They eventually discovered she had an autoimmune disorder, the reason it took so long to diagnose was because it usually shows up in 40 year old people, not an 80 year old woman.  She battled back and although her kidneys were not shot, she made a remarkable recovery.  She never did leave the hospital, as she requires dialysis 3 times a week, but she's been able to make it to family holiday dinners and, while being a much more frail woman, she was doing awesome.  A month ago things took a turn for the worse, she started getting some compression fractures in her spine, causing her an obscene amount of pain.  They did a rather experimental procedure, which is huge considering the risks of putting a woman in that shape under general, but they did it because it was her only option at pain relief.  We went to see her a week after the surgery and she seemed ok, all things considered.  We spoke to H's parents last night and she's taken a turn for the worse again.  She has basically decided to stop dialysis, which causes her such trouble (they need to change her line again but it's tough because her veins are paper thin and she has a lot of swelling).  So with that decision, which her doctors support, it's looking like this is coming to an end.

I fully respect her decision, her quality of life is awful at this point, they think she may have another compression fracture in her spine - I don't know many people who would want to live like that with no hope of improvement.  On the other hand, this is devastating for the family, my heart is breaking for my MIL who has been at her bedside nonstop and directing a lot of her care (she used to run the ER at the hospital, people there listen to her and she knows what's what).  This is the last grandparent between H & myself and selfishly, I don't want to lose her, but more than that, I want what's best for her.  I genuinely thought we would get a chance to introduce her to our first baby, which is taking much longer than expected, and at this point is just not an option.  3 months ago I didn't realize how bad things would get for her and how quickly.  We are going to see her tomorrow after work, and by the sounds of it, that might be the last time we get to see her alive.  I'm waiting on an update form H when he hears from his mom, I keep hoping I'll hear different news, but I think deep down, I know any update won't be good news.

I really needed to get this out, I want to be strong for H and for my MIL and family.  Since I can no longer see the screen through the tears, I'm just going to leave off here.